I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.