Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.