Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes