Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!