You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.