“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
You Might Also Like
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
checking out some reviews of my local library
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?