Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Basketball
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty