If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.