Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands