Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
When you try jalapeños for the first time
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*