A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Breaking news:
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’