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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Do not steal food from the science building!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
December birthdays be like…
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave