it’s finally my moment to shine
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin