My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.