My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys