I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The Backseat Boys
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.