My dress code is business-casualty.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.