In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
How it started: How it’s going:
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.