I saw nothing
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.