Oh no
You Might Also Like
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
every college guy’s fridge
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!