I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
These are my roll models.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If looks could kill
This squirrel eats better than I do
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that