The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My current situation
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No