Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.