me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal