My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.