I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later