[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.