Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
haha same
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no