3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend