If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
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escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship