rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.