cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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“you recording!?”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.