Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today