you will never know the true number of layers
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How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
a rare painting of a porcu’melon