When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Oh the world we live in…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Meow
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.