People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
You Might Also Like
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers