Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.