Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
This is I, Robot all over again
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions