When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.