2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install