I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.