Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.