Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice