it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Things will get butter, keep churning
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.