Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware