[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I missed you with all my darts
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]