a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza