they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
#winning
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.