Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Not helping
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.