I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
You Might Also Like
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
my mom making me talk to relatives
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away